my true self
This is where you will find...me.
it changed my life..
i have never thought that it would happen to me, i mean i sometimes having nightmares about it, sometimes i use it to come around but then when it actually happened, i dreaded it and almost had the idea in ending my life. when i saw my 2 boys' pictures it got me thinking, NOT i must not end my life too soon just because of it.
i first tol my husband, and he almost ended his life too, he cut his hair and make himself like a prisoner of war, he shed so many tears but he could not do anything about him. he tried texting his friends to get back, but i told him i do not want to have a husband that is a murderer , so he stopped the idea.
secondly, i told my mom, she said i ignited it, and accused of being so stupid. but what can i do? was so helpless. but it doesn't count to her. she told my aunt, and my aunt says things about me that is different, that i was like that even when i was young. that is why my lola is very protective of me.
so you see, its me to blame for my own actions for whatever happened to me. but then i am not guilty coz i do not want that to happen. it just did so help me God.
feeling like quitting
i feel like quitting most of the time now, since i know most of the employees here will get their 13th month pay, bonuses and so many benefits soon, i do have 13th month but its just not enough :( so i really feel bad. i just wish next year would be better...i miss also my husband now, thinking of him make me feel sad since i want him to be with us this Christmas. I will be very lonely i can see i just hope my kids won't feel a damn thing about my depression throughout the season.
new world
im an now in an IT company, and i think this is my comfort zone. at first i had difficulty in learning their system but as time goes by its very easy now. but im still wary about my career since i am a contractual and do not have any special benefits like healthcare which is badly needed by my kids. supposedly im just needed til December, until my boss extended me til next year. not sure if next year i shall be extended again.
i know my capabilities now, but i still do not know where to go. im 35 but still i do not have stable career which makes it worst my kids depend on me. so help me God.
saying hello to goodbyes
next week is my last week at Gandour, i shall have a training on caregiving as a scholar for 1 month and 1 week.
Its hard to accept that i will lose a job soon, well this is life and no matter how i panic, i cant change situations.
loosing
i feel so bad loosing the house i first dreamnt of giving to my parents, since papa died nobody really helped me in paying the house at cavite. my sister-in-law just had her work this year so its too late for her to catch up with paying the house.
the house we're transferred from pag-ibig loan to the buy back program of Robinsons. the total amount of the house is due and demandable which i cannot pay anymore, or let me rephrase that nobody in our family can pay anymore. but what i feel so bad about is that i can bring the house under a maceda law act which i was not able to do since my family was promising at that time to pay for it. they dont want to loose the house but they do not also want to pay. i cannot pay for it anymore since the house is still very far from my work and paying for it while im renting is impossible.
so i just let it go for me to reach this time that i really have to let go.
weird dreams
after the typhoon ondoy, neil was able to sleep comfortably. so he had these weird dreams. one dream was that he found my papa's car in black with Jesus' cross on top of it and its wrapped with violet cloth, like that of Good Friday when Jesus dies at 3pm, all the crosses inside the churches were wrapped with violet cloth. his dream went on as he told me it was the wedding car of my cousin. he said, i told him to wear the barong tagalog we bought for the wedding and that he also he must attend. weird right?
i also had weird dreams but not as weird as neil's but will tell it sometime later since i had a bad morning today. was not really in the mood to do household chores but i have no choice also i had to re-hire sean's tutor coz i dont have much patience in tutoring so far from wanting to be a teacher.
oh well God bless all of us!
ondoy
the typhoon ondoy made me realize that God can take away everything from you. its a reminder that what you own does not come from you , it came from God and you must at least share your blessings to others.
also, He made me realize that He was also a reaper. Ondoy was one way for Him to see what separates the people who deserve to be in heaven from the people who thinks only of their material wealth and gain.
heaven
i dreamt of papa the other day, i think ive spoken with him during my sleep and asked him if what is heaven like?
he said "its the opposite of staying here on earth", he did not say its the opposite of hell, so i assume living on earth is purgatory. but im not satisfied with his answer and asked an example but got a weird answer, he said "on earth, rain comes from above going down, in heaven, its rain going up". oh well it was a dream so i dont expect it to be very clear. he was saying something else, but hes language was different.
On the other hand, same situation of dreaming of papa was my uncle Nap. Tito Nap was somewhat my father's buddy during their younger days. He texted the same day when i dreamt of papa, he said he was in the ICU and he dreamt of papa. He said papa took him to his place, i think he described it as his "house". The house was very colorful, pastel colors and the house is situated on a nearby creek. Tito Nap noticed that there were babies singing a different language, when he asked papa what they were singing papa said "wag mo sila pakialaman magagalit syo..." not sure how the sentence ended. further more, Tito Nap told papa he was hungry and if he can eat something papa said "sa baba ka nlng kumain, la ksing food dito" with a smile. He also asked papa if he could stay in his home but papa said it was not time.
not sure if my dream and my Tito Nap's dream was a coincidence happening the same night, but who knows our dreams were linked in one true heavenly conversation with papa! =)
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